I’ve been dreading doing this. This is not something I’ve wanted to do. I’ve tried to find another solution, but I’ve come up empty handed.
The release of The Psychic Within is going to be delayed until October.
It’s not a decision I took lightly, but there’s no other option. The series is self published, done by my own effort and on my own dime. I’ve worked hard taking the first drafts I posted on Wattpad and transforming them into versions that I am proud enough to sell. My readers wanted them, and I wanted to deliver. It’s been a labour of love.
But it has been labour. It took work, time, money. Yes, money. Self publishing is not free. Though I am fortunate that I can do the much of the work myself (as a designer, I can do the cover and format the book), but there are things I can’t do on my own. Editing, for one.
Editing is expensive. Not surprisingly, either! It’s a lot of work, and I understand the costs involved. I value the time my editor takes to comb through my words, sorting through the madness, adding insights, focussing my efforts to make it stronger. I know that it does and should cost more than a little something to have a book edited. In fact, I budgeted for it.
It’s just that, now, my budget has needed to be reallocated. Things in my life… have gone sideways.
That’s all that goes through my mind when I think about putting this into words. I’ve struggled for a while, wondering how—if—I should share this. But I can’t keep it in anymore. I can’t keep dancing around it.
Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.
My mother has cancer. Cancer that can’t be treated. Cancer that can’t be beaten. Cancer that will, in all likelihood, take her from me someday soon.
I’ve been trying to avoid it. I’ve tried to avoid thinking about it, talking about it, believing it, preparing for it. I’ve been trying to keep positive. There’s hope! There’s miracles! There’s this and that, and maybe even…
But if I’m being realistic, if I’m being honest, if I’m looking at the facts, there’s not much of any of that. It’s inevitable, as it is for all of us, but for her it’s not some distant future that I can put out of my mind. It’s happening before my eyes.
As you might imagine, I’ve been struggling with this. It’s been hard. Of course it has; losing a someone you love is not easy. Especially not a mother, of all the people close to you. It’s been additionally hard because it’s come on so quickly. It’s was less than six months from initially detecting the cancer to her terminal diagnosis. It’s a lot to adjust to, losing the person who’s supported me no matter what. She won’t be at my wedding. She won’t be there when I give birth. She won’t be there at Christmas, on birthdays, on any little visits home.
Life will change. It has, already. I’ve made the decision to leave the home I’ve made for myself in Vancouver to return to the town where I grew up. Thankfully my company has allowed me to work remotely, so I still have income and can keep my apartment (for now), but the multiple plane and bus tickets I’ve needed to sort it out have eaten into my savings. Currently I’m living paycheque to paycheque, and my credit card bill is a beast I can no longer fell each month.
Long story short: life fucking sucks right now, and I’ve had to make some adjustments.
Despite this, despite all this, there are points of light: I have loving boyfriend and supportive friends. I have a job that is understanding and can accommodate my needs to care and spend time with someone important. I have an outlet for my creativity where my work is appreciated and recognized. In so many other ways, I am blessed. With these at my back, I know I will survive. But it will be painful.
So I hope you can understand why I’ve needed to make some changes to my life, and that things don’t always go as planned. I appreciate your patience as I work through this.
You should know that this will not affect my updating on Wattpad. I fully intend to keep doing that. In fact, I will probably be updating more often. I may even start new stories; a creative outlet is exactly what I need right now.
PS. This is pretty rough, because it was basically spat out into a text document. It’s all I can manage right now.